I don’t mean to brag, but my husband is pretty awesome.
I listen to a lot of my girlfriends complain about how their husbands don’t pay much attention to them, how they don’t do anything, they are constantly fighting and generally they just don’t get along on a regular basis.
Of course, my husband is certainly not perfect, and I have my fair share of venting sessions with my girlfriends.
However, when all is said and done, I am pretty upfront and honest about the areas where he needs improvement, and he does the same for me.
I think we can all agree that when it comes to relationships, especially married couples or those in committed relationships, the men usually have an angle. In my experience, guys are usually the most cooperative when there is something specific they are hoping to gain — if you know what I mean, wink, wink.
So, since I am an upfront and honest kind of girl, I’m going to share a little secret about women with all of you men, and I’ll explain how the whole game really works. It really is quite simple, and it might just change the way you think … or perhaps it will just cause you to actually stop and think before you do something stupid.
So, here’s the secret: our level of patience is like a bank account, and each time you do something to annoy us, we deduct money out of your account.
You don’t take out the garbage — debit.
You continue to shove things in the garbage even though it is overflowing — service fee.
Then, your wife takes the bag out of the garbage can and leaves it next to the garbage so all you have to do is take it out — another fine.
She eventually has to take it out herself so the dog doesn’t tear the bag apart — cash withdrawal.
You cut your hair or shave just mere hours after she cleans the bathroom, leaving tiny hairs all over the countertop without cleaning them up — debit.
You leave clothes on the floor right in front of the laundry basket — deduction.
You leave your laundry basket with clean folded clothes in the hallway until she eventually puts everything away from you — deduction.
You don’t pay attention and when you actually do put clothes in a laundry basket, it is on top of clean, folded clothes — service fee for being stupid.
Not only do you fail to put dishes in the dishwasher, you leave them in the sink without rinsing them off — debit.
That food left on the plate is any kind of cheese — additional debit.
You actually put a dish in the dishwasher, leave food caked on it and fail to realize the dishwasher was just run and everything in it is clean — you get slapped with a double service charge because it is your second stupidity offense.
When it comes to taking care of the kids, I’ll admit I have put myself in the position to do most of the work. However, there are times when a little common sense in assisting the wife of the house when the family needs to go somewhere would be greatly appreciated.
For example, you get yourself all ready while your wife has to get herself and the kids dressed and ready to go. Once you are done, you sit on the couch and watch football instead of at least helping the kids put their shoes on — that’s a debit.
My favorite deductions come from the lame attempts at showing affection. I am very fortunate that my husband tells me on a regular basis that I am beautiful and that he loves me, but there are times when he gets a little too grabby and I feel more like I’m being accosted by a teenage boy than a grown man. I swear one day he is going to snap my bra strap.
Therefore, fellas, unwanted advances while your wife is cooking dinner, putting on makeup or when the kids are around — debit.
At the end of the day, I think it goes without saying that there is only so much left in the account. So, chances are if your significant other suddenly has a headache, the reality is you’ve overdrawn your account. That is when you are slapped with the most expensive fee of all — overdraft fee.
The good news is that on several occasions, just when the funds are almost dry, my husband will do something like clean the entire house, make dinner and get the kids ready for bed just when I need him to, and he redeems himself and his account is back in the black again. kc